monday post

heylo again :P take this as a kinda P.S. of my monday post tonight:
heylo!
i've finally decided that i should start praying back to god. it's a long story:
when i was in hospital, god would send me some awful dream like every night about how he'd taken my parents away, and how i would be ALONE FOREVER. i'd wake up terrified, and before i opened my eyes, the first thing i'd do would be to clap a hand over my eyes and pray to god, "dear god, i'm so acared, i feel so alone, please please PLEASE, when i open my eyes, let my partents still be here for me. what do you want me to do? sing louder? pray harder? read the bible for longer? i'll do ANYTHING, lord, please just let my parents still be here for me." but every time i opened my eyes, i'd be all alone. and i'd just be simply devestated and cry myself silently back to sleep, only to be sent another horrible nightmare from god gloating about how i was once again, and forever would be, all alone.
anyways, when i was finally released from hospital on 23rd may, 2008, i was so grateful. i prayed to god, "dear god, thank-you so much for getting me out of the hospital. i promise i'll try as hard as i can to learn how to walk, i want to make it back to HK at the end of the year to make my grandma's 90th bday. " but give a week or so, by the end of may, my anger began to set in. i mean, what did i do to god that pissed him off so much that he almost murdered me with a brain tumour? in my anger, i again stopped praying to god and once again started praying to percy the angel/saint. only when my mother told me tartly, "you can't pray to a deceased person, emily, you can only talk to them," i started 'talking' to percy instead. a typical prayer/chat to him would go sth like this:"dear percy the angel/saint, my only prayer for you is that you're in HEAVEN not hell, even though i know the really SCARY fact that if one long lonely night, when you were in a hospital bed all by yourself, and your mum wasn't with you, your dad wan't with you, your older bro wasn't with you and even yopur adopted father wasn't with you, and if all the other patients were too busy sleeping to talk to you, and all the nurses and doctors were too busy looking after other patient to look after you, and you felt so alone and so scared, and if you lost your faith in god for one single fraction of a millisecond - even if you would have regained it in the next fraction of a NANOSECOND, if you realised how stupid and foolish it would be to lose your faith in god when you were so sick, but too late. if god chose to be some complete and utter BASTARD and snatch you to him in that same millisecond when you lost your faith in him, you'd be in HELL right now. which is why i'm going to choose to believe that you remained true to god all the way till the very end; i'm going to choose to believe that one night, after you kissed your mum goodnight and goodbye,after you kissed your dad goodnight and goodbye, after you kissed your older brother goodnight and goodbye, and after you kissed your adopted father goodnight and goodbye, you prayed to god before you went to sleep, and once you were sleeping, god came to you in a dream and demanded, "come to me, percy. it's time." and you could only answer, "yes lord, i have no choice but to obey." and after looking out with love towards your beloved family one last time, you went peacefully up to heaven with god. i just hope, percy, how you should've RAGED at god when you got up there. " HOW, god, WHY?" i hope you SCREAMED at him, "i thought you LOVED me! what kind of father who CLAIMS to love his son MURDERS him?!" then i'd just pray/chat to him about other things, like, thanking him for looking after my family today, and please looking after us toms. i'd also pray/talk about my family in HK, etc.
anyways, i asked myself at 3 months, 6 months, and 9 months if i was ready to pray back to god, and each time, my answer was no. but a whole year has passed now, and i think that's long enough. to be honest, i still don't have enough faith to just pray to god, but i'll settle for directing my prayer to both god and percy the angel/saint. i'll try this till the end of the year, anyhow.
well, that's the long and short of it. i admit, i do still sing a hateful song to god every night, but i'll try to ditch that by the end of the year. goodnite.
cheers,
em. ^^